If someone had asked me to predict where I’d be today this time last year I wouldn’t have said living my best life. I wouldn’t have said happy being single, confident and working toward new goals.
This time last year, I was a mess. A steaming heap of tangled, electrified, angry mess. My husband had abandoned me, my family torn apart and I was betrayed people I thought I could trust. I had to leave my home, move towns, start a whole new life again. With nothing. I literally had a bed and a fridge. I was emotionally distraught at leaving behind my teenage son because I’d been brainwashed into believing I wasn’t capable of looking after him.
On top of all of that I’d been diagnosed with another neurological condition and while it wasn’t degenerative or terminal there was yet again still no cure and I had to learn how to manage and treat it all over again.
There were moments of suicidal ideation even though I had no plan or intention to attempt suicide, all I could think at the time was that I was better off dead.
But I’m just too stubborn to die.
I look back now and laugh at the things he said to me. The whole thing is a farce. I’ve learned so much about the reasons I was the way I was. The manipulation, the narcissistic behaviour. “You’ll never survive on your own. You can’t live without me. How will you look after your son? You can’t even look after yourself.”
A year ago today, I moved into my new apartment with my eldest son not knowing what was going to happen with my life. My life completely changed. Beginning with my lifestyle. It’s been a rollercoaster of a year but I finally found myself again. I’ve been looking after myself just fine and all the while laughing at the irony that he still needs me.
I was lucky to have the support of my adult son to help financially and my amazing sister who supports me, so that I could basically take a year off life. Minimal parenting, no working, no obligations (other than medical appointments). I spent the past year doing my whole “Eat, Pray, Love” thing and I didn’t have to travel to another country to do it.
I found myself a routine. I began finding my people. A whole new tribe. I started doing things I enjoy and things I always wanted to do or try. I focused on me. There were (and still are) times he tries to needle his way into my life. There were times I’d open the door a little. I’d soon realise it wasn’t good for me and slam the door shut. Shut it stays. I can now recognise the ever so subtle ways.
Something I also recognise now are red flags. In all kinds of relationships. Now I make better choices about the people in my life. My circle is still very small but it’s strong. I’ve just recently started back on my activism involvement and getting out attending more events. I feel confident doing it and look forward to it growing. This time last year I couldn’t have even considered a speaking event or even a media interview. I was far too fragile and unhinged. Now, I feel like I flourish with each new opportunity.
Most importantly, my health has improved. Especially my mental health. I no longer want to die. I want to live. Live my best life. It may not be an extravagant life but it’s my best life. I am happy.
Where will I be this time next year? Who knows? My goals are still small but they’re still focused on me. All I know is that it has and will continue to keep getting better.
So when he says “You can’t live without me” I’m living proof that you’ll show him you can!
Happy Freedom Anniversary to me!
